::tear::

(also on my family blog)

...........that is how i feel. I am so stressed and overwhelmed with the kids. Other than from Donald,of course; i don't really get any real break. I can't stand it. I don't feel good, and i think all of this stress with the kids and no real break from them, is making me feel even worse. All i fucking hear all day is the kids. Do i get a break? No, Not really. Do Donald and i ever get to spend any time together? No. Not Really. Do i get to hang out with friends? No.Not at All. In fact i haven't even seen a friend, or had the chance to in months. The last date Night we had was a couple months ago when Iron Stakes first opened and all that was; was a 90 minute quick dinner 2 minutes from our house. We need more Date Nights and non-kid time to keep our sanity; or at  least mine .And to top it off, if a friend ever does want to hang out i usually can't go because i have nobody to watch the kids for me so i can get a few hours away. Just.Fucking.Great.

Lately i have been craving for a break,  it seems like each day i am feeling worse and worse. Not to mention how my energy has been decreasing....daily almost. It's pretty pathetic i might add. I'm not even 25 and sometimes i have the energy range of a 60 year old. One Word. Pathetic. I have been having a lot of SOB as well, up top of my old medication ( Lisinopril and Carvedelol/Coreg) and the inhaler i was given a couple months ago i am now on Lasix; i diuretic (water pill). Yay me?......Don't count on it. Hopefully this Pacemaker i'm getting soon will help me feel better, because lately i get so overwhelmed and just wanna cry.


I hate feeling like garbage and not getting a break. To top it off Sky has had this little attitude problem, which is really starting to annoy. I can't seem to get him to stop being so cocky for one. For two, he is still refusing to stay over at Mah-Mahs and that's not helping me out either. Isabella seems like she is starting her attitude early also. When she doesn't get her way she's throwing temper tantrums and everything, and is wanting to be held a lot more lately. It's weird though, bc when i want to or need to hold her she gets mad but when i'm doing something all she can do is say " Mommy, Po-Po! "......Gah!.......

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a SAHM. I get to be here to witness all of the milestones and teach and play with them everyday. But it's a 24-7 job, and it would be nice for some sort of a break......I hate feeling like shit. I hate always being tense. I hate never having down time......Oh, and don't even tell me that's what happens when you're a  mom. I really don't want to hear that patronizing rubbish. I know moms that are able to get out and have a break and not feel like they're on the brink of depression......I only Wish i could be one of those moms again.....

No Morals.

I Have NO Morals!? What, Because i chose to give my children the best food available and don't hide in a disgusting bathroom stall or hot car to feed them because YOU feel uncomfortable? That is ridiculous. How about grow the fuck up?! You say i have no class.....i'm not flopping it all of the place for everybody to see like a strip tease at the local titty bar, i'm providing nourishment to MY child. You say it's rude,disrespectful, a private matter,  or even disgusting ect. But isn't people wearing clothing that OBVIOUSLY does not fit them fit the same stature? I don't see you going over to them making a big deal about it. How hard is it to turn your head and not pay any attention? I feel disgusted going out and about seeing being trot around when they are a size 26 but think they're a size 2, but i don't have the right to walk up to them and tell them to 'Cover Up'. So why should you have the right to tell me how to feed my child? How about grow up. Quit being such a Prude. I had the statement that Breastfeeding is a sacred, emotional connection between mother and child....much like sex....(really?....common Breastfeeding is now on the same par as sex?) and should be done in private. Yes, Sex should be done in private. However, how in the world can sex and breastfeeding even correlate together?! Can you tell me that? I thought that in America we are a Free society. Obviously we are not because some people can't get it around the mind that this is a natural, beautiful thing.

I love the other argument i get, why don't you nurse that baby at home. You know they're feeding schedule. Yes, we do know our childrens' nursing schedules; however the younger the baby the closer the intervals are. And even with older babies, sometimes they're hungry before schedule. Don't you ever get hungry outside of the general meal times ( 7am, noon and 5pm)? I'm sure you do, or at least have. I guess i can just tell you to wait until the scheduled feeding time and to....um....suck it up i suppose?....Yeah i thought not too. Another comment i often hear is, if you know ahead of time bring a bottle. Or Hell just carry a bottle with you. HELLO! Not all breastfed babies will take a bottle, and there are plenty women out there that cannot pump milk sufficiently enough like myself. Due to prior medical issues i am unable to pump ANY milk, i've tried every type of breast pump there is and to no avail, Nothing. So what does that mean, i have to stay locked in my house or hidden in a bathroom stall because you can't grow up? Please. Why don't you grow up.

I enjoy hearing the 'No Morals' or 'No Class' argument because i don't bring a bottle with me while i'm out and about with my child. Would you say that to your Grandmothers or Great Grandmothers? Because back in their day Breastfeeding was all that they had. Would you walk up to them and question their morals and class all because they were doing something that is supposed to be considered 'Normal'? Yeah, i would love to hear or even see the reaction that statement receives.

I have Morals. I am not 'flashing the world' when i discretely lift my shirt to nurse my child. I am not a flashy person in nature, so why would i want to world to stare at me. Why is it perfectly normal and exceptable in our society to be in public dressed like a fucking slut; or having outragously large amounts of fat protruding over or through our clothing, but it's not okay to nurse? Something is terribly wrong with that. You wouldn't dare walk up to the girl dressed like a skank, or approach the obese person and make a comment, but for some reason you people find it just to approach a nursing mother and call her names and demean her choices (Great Choices i might add) because you can't look away,

I'm sorry, the problem does not lay with the Mother or nursing child, the problem is You. The Problem is Society, and it needs to be corrected. America needs to grow the fuck up and i have a suggestion, i don't know Speak out about things that need to be Spoken out about, like Abuse; neglect; Drugs......not Nursing Families. This is ridiculous. It really makes me weep for the future for this country (amongst other not so hot things going on  here).....Do we really have nothing else important but to embarass and harass a Nursing Mother and Child? Do we really need to feel that self gratified? If so, you need to look inside yourself and find out what the real issue is. Because it's certainly not due to something this natural.

I Will Nurse when my child needs it. I Will NOT hide in a Bathroom; or Car; or even my house because you are immature. Oh, i guess i'm just a selfish inconsiderate Bitch. Well if i am to you, then let me be a Proud Selfish Inconsiderate Bitch, 'Shut the Fuck Up, and Grow the Fuck up. Stay the Hell out of my Business and get a damn Life!'...............

Sometimes....

i wish i was actually able to go out. I hate this shit. I don't get to fucking do anything. And what infuriates me even more are the Parents that DO get to go out. It's bull. I never get to see anybody. I never get to hang out at 'parties' or shows. Nothing. Science Forbid i bring Izzy with me!!! I Love my friends, but honestly i don't think that they understand. Well they understand some things, but what i don't like is constantly talking to me about a party or get together and then turning around and asking me to find a babysitter for Izzy. Knowing full well that there is NOBODY to watch her. Why hurt me like that? Common People, you know that i don't have a babysitter for her, so if you don't want us to come then don't mention it to us at the beginning. It really bugs me. I was really looking forward to getting out and seeing people, alas i'm stuck at home because "They'd prefer it to be child free". I understand that my Childless friends would want to have their get togethers' child free, but don't invite me if that's the way you want your party to be. You know i can't do anything about it, well other than making Donald stay home from work to babysit so that i could go out. I LOVE my BFF, but this has irritated me beyond belief. She has every right to say who can and can't come to her soire, but just don't invite the people that it will effect. I hate not having childcare. I hate not being able to see people. Or Hang out. Or anything.

I know this is selfish sounding, but sometimes i think back to would i have been happier just Bottle Feeding my children and being able to be a care free 'mom'? Eh, probably not. I'd feel horrible knowing that i was giving my child inferior 'food' that costs so much money, which if i did bottle feed i probably wouldn't be able to afford going out.LOL. That would be selfish .It makes me mad, Nobody will watch my daughter because i Nurse her and she's uncomfortable around people she isn't used to. NEWS FLASH!!! She isn't uncomfortable around people because i nurse her, she's uncomfortable because she doesn't know who the fuck you are! Isn't that a good thing? I'm ecstatic that my children wont go to 'Just Anyone'. Do you know how freaked out and paranoid that'd make me?! But what i hate is that during the first year of life, THE MOST CRUCIAL, nobody in my family so much as volunteered to help me out and babysit or at least come around more often so that the kids are used to them and willing to stay with them while Donald and I are not. I feel like i'm being punished for making the best choices for my family.

My SIL (husbands side) and my Sis are able to go out and do whatever they want because the Bottle Feed, oh! and because they don't know how to get a job or anything so they live off of mom. So of course the child would be used to other people, right? ARRGH! I hate feeling like this. I'm really afraid that this nursing thing and lack of support from my family is going to drive me nuts. i LOVE Nursing my daughter, i would just like it if somebody; my family perhaps, would help me out and give me a break now and then! My health isn't the best and it doesn't seem like anybody really cares. Well at least not until they get in trouble of their lack of caring and big mouth! (a few wks back my SIL (brothers wife) gave me attitude about my daughter crying at a birthday party because my Bro was holding her, mind you she doesn't see them that often so what do they expect. And NO they don't live far away; maybe 15 minutes. Anyways he chewed her out and NOW she wants to try and help.Fuck that. Hell No.)

Anyways back on topic, i just feel that because i chose to be a real parent and do what i'm supposed to; Bf/AP, i'm being punished and kept out. It's ridiculous. There needs to be more support and understanding. And that's something i definitely do not receive much of. It's saddening. It's causing me anxiety, depression, and resentment towards my own children because i don't get a break. Other say, oh Let your husband watch the kids while you go out. Well here's the thing; he works 6 days a week and only gets one day off a week. That's the only time i get to spend with him, why would i want to go out then? Why can't anybody help?! Yes i breast feed my 14 1/2 month old daughter! No i don't CIO! Yes, i actually interact and play with my children and help them grow! Yes i partially co-sleep (she starts off in her crib and when she wakes for her night feeding she comes to bed with me)! Yes i carry my daughter when she wants it! I do babywear more than Stroller! o0o0o i guess that means i'm a crazy ass hippie!!

All of these are basically the reasoning behind be not being able to do anything. I can't go to school, i can't work, i can't go out. All because of people inabilities to wake up and help me out. I will not change the way that i parent. I do not want my children to be raised by a babysitter (both figuratively speaking and actually speaking......my SIL(husbands side) is basically the babysitter to her own daughter)......i want my children to have the best that they can, and i give them all that i can. All that i ask in return is for a little help. But i really don't see that coming anytime soon. I even have the people that used to be supportive of my parenting techniques suddenly changing sides because my daughter is no longer an infant! Ridiculous!Absurd! I know usually i would say 'stay away from people like that.' but how am i supposed to stay away from family? I've thought about it. But it'll just backfire on me like everything else usually does.

Well i have my surgery in less than 48 hrs.....I wonder if my daughter will end up self weaning during this time, part of me wouldn't mind, but a part of me would be really sad. Lame, i know.I know my husband will be able to take care of the kids while i'm having the surgery and while i am hospitalized. I just hope somebody will be willing to help me out later in the week while he has to work, and not because their husband chewed them out! Which, i highly doubt will happen. Well that's life i guess. I'll perservere, i always do. Science forbid i ask for help, right?

A Ridiculous Double Standard

has been put forth in my family this past year, or so I have noticed; oh, and the Hubby too. When i had our Son back in 2006 and our Daughter last January my family distinctively told us they would not become nannies watching the children just so we can go play. Which is something i whole heartedly agree with. School and Work would be practically the only time they would babysit, because we were/are young parents they didn't want us out 'partying' (even though that wasn't/isn't really us anyways) while they took care of our child. However, my sister had gotten pregnant with her son last year and had him this past October; tell me why my SIL willing goes behind my brothers back to watch the baby? What happened to the rule?! She has no job, she isn't going to school anymore, those were the ground rues for child care. It's a complete double standard and it infuriates me!!! Oh yeah, when i got prego (both times!!) my hubby and i were both working full time, and when i was prego with our son we were both Full Time college students as well. We don't ask for much, just the occasional evening that they could watch the kids for a couple hours. Have they EVER done it? No! Meanwhile little sister gets o do whatever. Why is there such a double standard with this? I am so mad about this, and nobody ever seems to understand why! The excuse i get from my SIL is because my kids cry too much. Well sorry my children let me know when they're uncomfortable. Sorry i Breastfed. Sorry i co-sleep. Oh, wait! You're mad because my children can tell the difference between Mommy and Daddy taking care of them and (to them) some random person. Why should i be penalized because my children aren't treated like a sack of potatoes?! Another thing that seem to penalize my immediate family is the fact that we don't live down the block, or in the same house like the rest of them. But excuse me for not wanting to live in the exact city i grew up in, and for the record 15 minutes away hardly justifies as too far to visit!!! I know family members that live further away that are actually visited more than me and my little family! Sorry for venting, but i just think that this is ludacris that they believe it's all good to treat me this way. With my shitty ass health you would think that my own family would be willing, wanting to help me out with a break here and there. And i really do mean here and there, i'm not talking about every weekend or anything like that. Maybe once a month or something like that. Is that so hard? I partly feel as if i'm being treated this way and basically ostracized from my friends, or at least being able to go out baby free with them because of this. Has this happened to anybody else? We don't know many other people that are willing to watch our children, nor do we know who'd we would trust. Which i'm sure is something that all parents go through. Isn't family always supposed to be there? My friends little sister volunteered to watch the kids for us, the down side is.....she's not quite 13 yet. So that's out of the question until otherwise. I just want to be able to go out with my husband for a quiet dinner, or be able to spend a few hours at a local concert with my friends and relax! People believe that being a Stay at Home Mom doesn't do anything; therefore doesn't deserve a break. Are you kidding me?! I just hate this, and it's just plain stupid. So i guess what my family is saying " Yeah, go be a detachment parent. Bottle Feed. Go play. Throw in a crib regardless. We'll take care of the baby WHEN we WANT to." Some Family, huh?

Date Night......

Oh how i wish Donald and I have a Date Night....i think that it would really really help us unwind at the end of the week if we were even able to get like a 3-4 hr gap to just be with each other, minus the kids.....i have realized that a majority of my married friends have this but not us....it kinda makes me sad :(. Maybe that's a down fall about nursing Isabella this long. She is much more clingy than Skylair ever was, and part of me really despises it. I know it sounds horrible....but that's just how i feel at times...the stress is killing me. Blah, hopefully after i ween Isabella then maybe Donald and I can get our Date Nights back, unless i have any takers on a babysitter?