Sometimes....

i wish i was actually able to go out. I hate this shit. I don't get to fucking do anything. And what infuriates me even more are the Parents that DO get to go out. It's bull. I never get to see anybody. I never get to hang out at 'parties' or shows. Nothing. Science Forbid i bring Izzy with me!!! I Love my friends, but honestly i don't think that they understand. Well they understand some things, but what i don't like is constantly talking to me about a party or get together and then turning around and asking me to find a babysitter for Izzy. Knowing full well that there is NOBODY to watch her. Why hurt me like that? Common People, you know that i don't have a babysitter for her, so if you don't want us to come then don't mention it to us at the beginning. It really bugs me. I was really looking forward to getting out and seeing people, alas i'm stuck at home because "They'd prefer it to be child free". I understand that my Childless friends would want to have their get togethers' child free, but don't invite me if that's the way you want your party to be. You know i can't do anything about it, well other than making Donald stay home from work to babysit so that i could go out. I LOVE my BFF, but this has irritated me beyond belief. She has every right to say who can and can't come to her soire, but just don't invite the people that it will effect. I hate not having childcare. I hate not being able to see people. Or Hang out. Or anything.

I know this is selfish sounding, but sometimes i think back to would i have been happier just Bottle Feeding my children and being able to be a care free 'mom'? Eh, probably not. I'd feel horrible knowing that i was giving my child inferior 'food' that costs so much money, which if i did bottle feed i probably wouldn't be able to afford going out.LOL. That would be selfish .It makes me mad, Nobody will watch my daughter because i Nurse her and she's uncomfortable around people she isn't used to. NEWS FLASH!!! She isn't uncomfortable around people because i nurse her, she's uncomfortable because she doesn't know who the fuck you are! Isn't that a good thing? I'm ecstatic that my children wont go to 'Just Anyone'. Do you know how freaked out and paranoid that'd make me?! But what i hate is that during the first year of life, THE MOST CRUCIAL, nobody in my family so much as volunteered to help me out and babysit or at least come around more often so that the kids are used to them and willing to stay with them while Donald and I are not. I feel like i'm being punished for making the best choices for my family.

My SIL (husbands side) and my Sis are able to go out and do whatever they want because the Bottle Feed, oh! and because they don't know how to get a job or anything so they live off of mom. So of course the child would be used to other people, right? ARRGH! I hate feeling like this. I'm really afraid that this nursing thing and lack of support from my family is going to drive me nuts. i LOVE Nursing my daughter, i would just like it if somebody; my family perhaps, would help me out and give me a break now and then! My health isn't the best and it doesn't seem like anybody really cares. Well at least not until they get in trouble of their lack of caring and big mouth! (a few wks back my SIL (brothers wife) gave me attitude about my daughter crying at a birthday party because my Bro was holding her, mind you she doesn't see them that often so what do they expect. And NO they don't live far away; maybe 15 minutes. Anyways he chewed her out and NOW she wants to try and help.Fuck that. Hell No.)

Anyways back on topic, i just feel that because i chose to be a real parent and do what i'm supposed to; Bf/AP, i'm being punished and kept out. It's ridiculous. There needs to be more support and understanding. And that's something i definitely do not receive much of. It's saddening. It's causing me anxiety, depression, and resentment towards my own children because i don't get a break. Other say, oh Let your husband watch the kids while you go out. Well here's the thing; he works 6 days a week and only gets one day off a week. That's the only time i get to spend with him, why would i want to go out then? Why can't anybody help?! Yes i breast feed my 14 1/2 month old daughter! No i don't CIO! Yes, i actually interact and play with my children and help them grow! Yes i partially co-sleep (she starts off in her crib and when she wakes for her night feeding she comes to bed with me)! Yes i carry my daughter when she wants it! I do babywear more than Stroller! o0o0o i guess that means i'm a crazy ass hippie!!

All of these are basically the reasoning behind be not being able to do anything. I can't go to school, i can't work, i can't go out. All because of people inabilities to wake up and help me out. I will not change the way that i parent. I do not want my children to be raised by a babysitter (both figuratively speaking and actually speaking......my SIL(husbands side) is basically the babysitter to her own daughter)......i want my children to have the best that they can, and i give them all that i can. All that i ask in return is for a little help. But i really don't see that coming anytime soon. I even have the people that used to be supportive of my parenting techniques suddenly changing sides because my daughter is no longer an infant! Ridiculous!Absurd! I know usually i would say 'stay away from people like that.' but how am i supposed to stay away from family? I've thought about it. But it'll just backfire on me like everything else usually does.

Well i have my surgery in less than 48 hrs.....I wonder if my daughter will end up self weaning during this time, part of me wouldn't mind, but a part of me would be really sad. Lame, i know.I know my husband will be able to take care of the kids while i'm having the surgery and while i am hospitalized. I just hope somebody will be willing to help me out later in the week while he has to work, and not because their husband chewed them out! Which, i highly doubt will happen. Well that's life i guess. I'll perservere, i always do. Science forbid i ask for help, right?