::tear::

(also on my family blog)

...........that is how i feel. I am so stressed and overwhelmed with the kids. Other than from Donald,of course; i don't really get any real break. I can't stand it. I don't feel good, and i think all of this stress with the kids and no real break from them, is making me feel even worse. All i fucking hear all day is the kids. Do i get a break? No, Not really. Do Donald and i ever get to spend any time together? No. Not Really. Do i get to hang out with friends? No.Not at All. In fact i haven't even seen a friend, or had the chance to in months. The last date Night we had was a couple months ago when Iron Stakes first opened and all that was; was a 90 minute quick dinner 2 minutes from our house. We need more Date Nights and non-kid time to keep our sanity; or at  least mine .And to top it off, if a friend ever does want to hang out i usually can't go because i have nobody to watch the kids for me so i can get a few hours away. Just.Fucking.Great.

Lately i have been craving for a break,  it seems like each day i am feeling worse and worse. Not to mention how my energy has been decreasing....daily almost. It's pretty pathetic i might add. I'm not even 25 and sometimes i have the energy range of a 60 year old. One Word. Pathetic. I have been having a lot of SOB as well, up top of my old medication ( Lisinopril and Carvedelol/Coreg) and the inhaler i was given a couple months ago i am now on Lasix; i diuretic (water pill). Yay me?......Don't count on it. Hopefully this Pacemaker i'm getting soon will help me feel better, because lately i get so overwhelmed and just wanna cry.


I hate feeling like garbage and not getting a break. To top it off Sky has had this little attitude problem, which is really starting to annoy. I can't seem to get him to stop being so cocky for one. For two, he is still refusing to stay over at Mah-Mahs and that's not helping me out either. Isabella seems like she is starting her attitude early also. When she doesn't get her way she's throwing temper tantrums and everything, and is wanting to be held a lot more lately. It's weird though, bc when i want to or need to hold her she gets mad but when i'm doing something all she can do is say " Mommy, Po-Po! "......Gah!.......

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a SAHM. I get to be here to witness all of the milestones and teach and play with them everyday. But it's a 24-7 job, and it would be nice for some sort of a break......I hate feeling like shit. I hate always being tense. I hate never having down time......Oh, and don't even tell me that's what happens when you're a  mom. I really don't want to hear that patronizing rubbish. I know moms that are able to get out and have a break and not feel like they're on the brink of depression......I only Wish i could be one of those moms again.....

A Break?...A Break from What, exactly?

is what i always hear from people when i state that i want some time to myself. Can people really be that oblivious to how much work it is to be a SAHM? No i don't just sit on my ass watching Tyra all day!! (Although it is sometimes on in the background, i'm not gonna lie.) Sure i bet there are some SAHM that don't do anything, and they are more Glorified Babysitters than anything, but that doesn't represent EVERY ONE of us.

I was listening to the radio the other day and one of the DJs brought up SAHM and another DJ piped in saying that they don't do anything and that they basically spend the day eating Bon-Bons ( which i haven't seen in stores for a really long time anyways. if you know where to find them; let me know!) Anyways, they started saying that SAHM moms are just moms that are too lazy to go out and get a job. Give Me A Break!!! (this was while i listened to RAD on 98Rock) 

This stigma that SAHM don't do anything and that they're just bottom feeding off of their husbands while they sit on their ass at home, is just ridiculous. I DON'T work, in fact i CAN'T work anymore; doctors orders. So i have no choice BUT to be a SAHM. And you know what? i LOVE my kids to death, but i remember when i used to Work and go to School when my Son was younger (9wks-2yrs) and i kind of miss it. My time at School and Work was like my ME time. Something i don't get at all now that i am a SAHM with 2 children under 5. My son does go to Pre-School Monday-Friday for 4 hrs a day, but that is because he desperately wanted to; and it's been fairly good for him, he has learned SO much this past year since we enrolled him, and it's good for him to have interaction with children his own age. I was starting to feel bad for him that the only kids he played with were his younger cousin Jadelynn and his baby sister. I would love to be able to go back to work, but the doctors have said no. School? Yes. Work? No. So we do what we can.

As a SAHM i get to hear all the lovely crap about how i am just lazy and i don't want to work, and of course; this is coming from people that don't know me or my family. If i could work i would. Hell i've been trying to go back to school part-time even for the past 2 years almost be health reasons keep popping up and pro-longing my return. I am in no way;shape or form a lazy ass money grubber wife. I hate that this stupid stigma even exists. It wasn't too long ago that women COULDN'T  go to work or be anything BUT a SAHM/Housewife. What do you have to say about that, they were all lazy and un worthy back then too?

Another thing that gets me about the ideology of being a SAHM is that we're second class. That being a SAHM is ' Taking the Easy Road'. Whomever says that has obviously never been with children for long periods of time. Being a mother is very stressful, time consuming and a LOT of work. Nevertheless, it is a very rewarding experience. You get to watch your children grow and learn right in front of your eyes every single day. That's gratification you will never get at any other type of job. Knowing that you are doing everything in your power to raise your child and teach them. This is not saying that Working Mothers don't have to deal with the same things that SAHM do. In most cases they have to do the same thing a SAHM does, PLUS go out to a job every single day of the week.

Why does society need to be so condescending towards us? Make us feel like we are not truly contributing to society. Because somebody has to raise children, and if it's possible; who best but the parents? I would hate to be one of those parents that throws their child in somebody else' care all day long, IF  they don't HAVE to. I feel that society should just leave the SAHM or even SAHF alone and focus their attention on the people that really need watching. Embrace and Encourage the parents of society doing the right thing and leave them alone if it's something you don't agree with. If it's not detrimental, what's the point?

All i am saying is that all this negative talk towards Moms should stop. I understand the negative talk if their is justification behind it, i.e.; Abuse or Neglect, but shouldn't we be empowering women to do the best for their families and not what society deems appropriate at this given time. Stuff like this really makes me dislike being an American. What is wrong with being a SAHM/F and an Attachment Parent? Nothing, if it's what works. Then it is what works. We are NOT lazy, greedy or whatever rude statement you want to make about us! In fact, being a SAHM/F can cause Burnout and even Depression. All that we ask for is to stop the Negativity and Embrace what we've embraced. Being the best we can for our children and doing the best that we can for them. That's all any True Mother wants for her child.

A Ridiculous Double Standard

has been put forth in my family this past year, or so I have noticed; oh, and the Hubby too. When i had our Son back in 2006 and our Daughter last January my family distinctively told us they would not become nannies watching the children just so we can go play. Which is something i whole heartedly agree with. School and Work would be practically the only time they would babysit, because we were/are young parents they didn't want us out 'partying' (even though that wasn't/isn't really us anyways) while they took care of our child. However, my sister had gotten pregnant with her son last year and had him this past October; tell me why my SIL willing goes behind my brothers back to watch the baby? What happened to the rule?! She has no job, she isn't going to school anymore, those were the ground rues for child care. It's a complete double standard and it infuriates me!!! Oh yeah, when i got prego (both times!!) my hubby and i were both working full time, and when i was prego with our son we were both Full Time college students as well. We don't ask for much, just the occasional evening that they could watch the kids for a couple hours. Have they EVER done it? No! Meanwhile little sister gets o do whatever. Why is there such a double standard with this? I am so mad about this, and nobody ever seems to understand why! The excuse i get from my SIL is because my kids cry too much. Well sorry my children let me know when they're uncomfortable. Sorry i Breastfed. Sorry i co-sleep. Oh, wait! You're mad because my children can tell the difference between Mommy and Daddy taking care of them and (to them) some random person. Why should i be penalized because my children aren't treated like a sack of potatoes?! Another thing that seem to penalize my immediate family is the fact that we don't live down the block, or in the same house like the rest of them. But excuse me for not wanting to live in the exact city i grew up in, and for the record 15 minutes away hardly justifies as too far to visit!!! I know family members that live further away that are actually visited more than me and my little family! Sorry for venting, but i just think that this is ludacris that they believe it's all good to treat me this way. With my shitty ass health you would think that my own family would be willing, wanting to help me out with a break here and there. And i really do mean here and there, i'm not talking about every weekend or anything like that. Maybe once a month or something like that. Is that so hard? I partly feel as if i'm being treated this way and basically ostracized from my friends, or at least being able to go out baby free with them because of this. Has this happened to anybody else? We don't know many other people that are willing to watch our children, nor do we know who'd we would trust. Which i'm sure is something that all parents go through. Isn't family always supposed to be there? My friends little sister volunteered to watch the kids for us, the down side is.....she's not quite 13 yet. So that's out of the question until otherwise. I just want to be able to go out with my husband for a quiet dinner, or be able to spend a few hours at a local concert with my friends and relax! People believe that being a Stay at Home Mom doesn't do anything; therefore doesn't deserve a break. Are you kidding me?! I just hate this, and it's just plain stupid. So i guess what my family is saying " Yeah, go be a detachment parent. Bottle Feed. Go play. Throw in a crib regardless. We'll take care of the baby WHEN we WANT to." Some Family, huh?

As Time Goes By...

I've come to realize who my real friends are and what it is that i truly need and don't need in my life. And Drama is definitely one of the things that i don't need. I love that i have been able to cut out the negative people in my life over the past few years, and just keep the close drama-free friends in my circle. It's been somewhat awkward at certain instances but rather pleasant at others. I know that it sounds like i am just rambling on, but whatever.

I have also come to realize how to properly organize my time in life and to give attention where and when needed. But i have also come to learn throughout the more recent years of Mother Hood that in order to be a good Mother and Wife i have to be secure with myself, have time to myself; because a stressed out Mommy or Wife leads a stressed out household. This past year has been a very eye-opening year, initially with Donald and the loss of his job right during the impending time before Isabellas' birth. His unemployment lasted all the way until she was 5 mons old!! It was a hectic, trying time for us as a family but still we persevered.

I Love being a Mom, i think i never realized how much of a full-time job it is until i actually became one. Right now that is all i do and sometimes i truly do want a vacation. I think it's because when Skylair was Isabellas' age i was working and everything and even when he was an infant i was going to school and just doing so much more. I felt like i had a life outside of being a mother. Now since i've had Isabella i haven't done either. I've strictly been a Stay-at-home mom (SAHM) which is nice because i just have to take care of the house hold and not a million other things, but on the other side i liked working and going to school, it gave me time with other people outside of my family.

You know, it kind of feels odd that it is now 2010 and that my Little Boy will be 4 years old in just 4 months, and that my Little Girl is already 1 Year Old. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. Sometimes i can still remember the most random things from high school or growing up as if it was yesterday. It's kind of sad. haha.

I have come to learn that i do need a break as well. I don't get that too often and i totally miss the times i had to be able to go out and see friends without always having to bring the kid/s along. With Skylair since i went back to school and work when he was young he was used to going over to grandmas house on the weekends because of the time i got out of work or class was so late and that gave me the peace and quiet down time that i truly believe EVERY MOTHER NEEDS.  Now with Isabella it has been the exact opposite, and it has even turned Skylair into a once Super Independent little boy into quiet a Separation Anxiety King. And due to his separation anxiety Donald and i haven't had a single date night since JUNE!! At least with Isabella being home with us it was easier to ring her along to diner and just have her sleep, unlike Skylair where he's so smart and curious he doesn't even let us talk to EACH OTHER half the time.

I would LOVE, and i mean absolutely LOVE to have a date night/ 18 hr period just where it's Donald and Me time. Without the kids. Is that too much to ask? I truly believe that has been part of what's fueled my somewhat depression this year. I believe that if i get out and go back to school, and maybe get some time Alone with my Husband and with friends then it will go away. I had it slightly when Skylair was an itty bitty infant, but i feel like it's stronger and deeper this time around. I don't really feel that it ties into Post-Partum Depression per-se, but it could've definitely stemmed from that.

Does ANYBODY have ANY advice for me? i have gone through the parenting site and mommy connection sites for what feels like a bajillion times and to no avail i don't know what to do. And that's mainly stemming from my childrens' Separation Anxiety Issues. I know it'll be hard for Donald and i to get a date night anytime soon because of his new job, but quiet mommy time with the kids safely at grandmas would be GREAT!

Today was a good day!

Today was awesome! Donald took Isabella out for a walk this afternoon when i left to take Skylair to school, i then when and hung out with one of the kids moms' that's in Skylair's class. It was nice to get out of the house for a while (90 min!!) without either child clinging to me....AND when i got home Donald had laid Isabella down for a nap in HER BED!!! It was awesome. Today was a good day :D!