I guess i'm just weird this way....

 (if you're a believer i don't mean to offend, this is just how i see it)

Ok, so here is something that actually has made me who i am. I know that there are many that don't agree with me; but this is just the way i see it.....

Alright, so i was looking on one of the Heart Pages i belong to on FB 1in100, anyways there was a post of a little boy that will e going in for another open heart surgery tomorrow and i noticed in a lot if the comments people were saying "i'll pray"..."may god bless him and his family"...ect. This has got me thinking. I do not believe, never have. I was brought up in a Catholic house, went through Catacism, Baptism,Eucharist ect...the whole nine. But i just never believed in my heart; nor mind. That's just me. Anyways back to the purpose of this post...

If people feel that god created each and everyone of us, and he has a plan; then why; WHY would they put little babies through all of this? What have they ever done? Is it to get back at the parents? Isn't god loving? AND my main pondering question...if they feel that it was gods plan to have this child/person have this major health problem why do they pray to 'god' to fix it? To me, it makes no sense. I guess it's because i'm not a believer or something like that. I just don't understand i guess. This question has been plaguing me for a while now. I just don't understand it. If god is so miraculous why is prayer needed? I understand praying to god to vent/confess and all that but why pray to 'god' to fix something that was obviously part of his plan?

I guess i might be a tad jaded by this subject. I have heard/read of the prayers that my family had/gave while i was a baby...according to them 'God' heeded their prayers and saved me. But, as i see it it's just the way the cookie crumbles. No amount of prayer is going to make 'god' change his will....However i do believe that if a patient knows people are sending good thoughts (so to speak) their attitude nay change therefore changing the outcome of whatever their issue/problem was. I just don't understand. It must be because i just don't believe.....i believe in cold hard facts and evidence, not interpreted stories. Is it just so that you feel better?

I don't believe in god, any god; nor heaven,hell,limbo. I am not unintelligent, nor am i naive. This is just how i am, and how life thus far has made me. I love to explore theology and lots of other things, so if you'd like to you may enlighten me on this topic.

Man, i can't believe it'll be July in less than 2 weeks....

where has the time gone this year? It seems like the past couple of years and sort of just ran by.....time has just flown by like it's the blink of an eye or something. My surgery was 2 weeks ago today and i actually seems to be recovering rather fine. Although i have to wear an arm brace at night so that i don't move my arm too much or hyper-extend my arm unconsciously in my sleep or anything like that. Btw, that would be ALL BAD!!! The docs have said that i can't stretch my arm out all of the way until September. Do you know how hard that is truly going to be? Like.Oh.My.Science.HARD!! I have to catch my self throughout the day to retract my arm back down or something because i'm doing or reaching for something without thinking. I can finally lift Isabella, The first week home sucked because all she wanted was to be held; but i couldn't even fullfill that simple need of hers. The upside is that she has become really used to having just Daddy and Bella time. The downside is that if he leaves for any reason, she freaks.*sigh* Sometimes i feel like these children are going to be the death of me or something along those lines. Lately they are soo moody and temper-mental. And it's been driving me nuts. I think it also plays in with the fact that i have never been away from Bella for more than a couple of hours....i guess that will happen some day....yeah Dad....some day *wink wink*.....um....lets see what else has happened...Oh, we sold out Integra, well since Donald got let go, we are only bringing in C/A and F/S....and now it's not just filler money to pay the bills, it's ALL the money that we get. SSI is still dragging me along it's stressful, lonely trail. I still have no idea if i will be granted benefits or not. Ugh. Although when i did go to see my case worker i got to meet with a SSI case worker as well and she was going to look into my SSI case and see if there is anything she can find out that i am not. I have turned in all the required paperwork regarding my surgery and when i called to see if it had been processed yet they said they couldn't say and to go to my home office, so i went to my home office and they told me that they couldn't say and that i just had to wait for the Disability Determination Department to contact me. Well then why the hell would they make me go in circles if neither of which had any true answers?...can't you tell that im stressed. Maybe i should try and go back to work? i don't know. When i was at my first Pacer check this past Monday i was watching the pacing machine and reading the results; of course!, the PA looked up from my paperwork and noticed i was reading the pacer results and asked if i wanted an explanation to what they were doing. I told him that was not necessary, i was just in awe that my P waves were actually normal and that my Q-T complex looked awesome. OMS you should've seen his face and the NP's as well. Their jaws dropped! We started chatting and i told them all about my schooling and whatnot and the office encouraged me to re-apply for a job once i'm recovered and if i get cleared by both my Cardiologists. How kick ass is that?! I think i might....but it's something to contemplate after i hear back from SSI ect. I've been thinking if i can work, and get cleared and everything then perhaps i should try again at UCD...it's something i've wanted for years. But before that i wanna finish up my Associates.....so i guess time will only tell. what do you think?