::tear::

(also on my family blog)

...........that is how i feel. I am so stressed and overwhelmed with the kids. Other than from Donald,of course; i don't really get any real break. I can't stand it. I don't feel good, and i think all of this stress with the kids and no real break from them, is making me feel even worse. All i fucking hear all day is the kids. Do i get a break? No, Not really. Do Donald and i ever get to spend any time together? No. Not Really. Do i get to hang out with friends? No.Not at All. In fact i haven't even seen a friend, or had the chance to in months. The last date Night we had was a couple months ago when Iron Stakes first opened and all that was; was a 90 minute quick dinner 2 minutes from our house. We need more Date Nights and non-kid time to keep our sanity; or at  least mine .And to top it off, if a friend ever does want to hang out i usually can't go because i have nobody to watch the kids for me so i can get a few hours away. Just.Fucking.Great.

Lately i have been craving for a break,  it seems like each day i am feeling worse and worse. Not to mention how my energy has been decreasing....daily almost. It's pretty pathetic i might add. I'm not even 25 and sometimes i have the energy range of a 60 year old. One Word. Pathetic. I have been having a lot of SOB as well, up top of my old medication ( Lisinopril and Carvedelol/Coreg) and the inhaler i was given a couple months ago i am now on Lasix; i diuretic (water pill). Yay me?......Don't count on it. Hopefully this Pacemaker i'm getting soon will help me feel better, because lately i get so overwhelmed and just wanna cry.


I hate feeling like garbage and not getting a break. To top it off Sky has had this little attitude problem, which is really starting to annoy. I can't seem to get him to stop being so cocky for one. For two, he is still refusing to stay over at Mah-Mahs and that's not helping me out either. Isabella seems like she is starting her attitude early also. When she doesn't get her way she's throwing temper tantrums and everything, and is wanting to be held a lot more lately. It's weird though, bc when i want to or need to hold her she gets mad but when i'm doing something all she can do is say " Mommy, Po-Po! "......Gah!.......

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a SAHM. I get to be here to witness all of the milestones and teach and play with them everyday. But it's a 24-7 job, and it would be nice for some sort of a break......I hate feeling like shit. I hate always being tense. I hate never having down time......Oh, and don't even tell me that's what happens when you're a  mom. I really don't want to hear that patronizing rubbish. I know moms that are able to get out and have a break and not feel like they're on the brink of depression......I only Wish i could be one of those moms again.....

I'm going back under......

 (this is also found in my family blog too)

for another Surgery in May. Yep, i'm getting a Pacemaker.Awesome; I know.

I'm not really too stressed out or anything about it. I knew that it was inevitable and bound to happen. Skylair and Isabella just through a bit of a wrench into the plan and it came sooner than we had originally thought it would. But i am okay with that.

I know that there are people like my Mom and Sister that are all worried and stressed about it. With the constant phone calls and check ins and whatnot. But i'm perfectly okay with it. I know the risks and advantages to the procedure and am complacent with what is going to happen.

This was found out and determined through my cardiac catherter that i had last Monday March 22nd. They went in and realized that there was no need for a stent placement in my Aorta, and that oddly enough my aorta actually makes a weird 'S' bend right underneath my Coacrtation. How cool is that? Very Cool. (okay i know i'm a nerd, but if i can't at least joke about my health, then i'll probably be all depressive about it). However while they were doing that procedure they went on ahead and took all the necessary pictures and stats for my doctor so she could decide if i truly needed the pacemaker or not. And Evidently i do.

I was told a month or two back that it was going to most likely be a Bi-Ventricular Pacemaker and that i would need to have two incisions done to complete the procedure. They would have a leave on each of my Ventricles and because of my stature i would have one incision on my upper right chest (my left) where the pacemaker core will rest and the first lead will be hooked up, and i will have a second incision on my side going on the other side of the heart. Due to my small frame two incisions are needed instead of one. I am thinking that i might end up being hospitalized longer than the regular patient because of the dual incisions, but who's really to say until then.

We're trying to figure out what it is that we're going to do regarding this whole surgery. Donald said he would take time off, but we can't really afford it, and then i also learned that they have cut back on the time they allow for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and also how much they will pay for it as well. I know for a fact we can't afford Donald to take time off of work, even if we get granted FMLA, well that is unless some of our family members are willing to help us out with all of our bills for the month of May. Which i doubt. Not necessarily because they are unwilling, but mainly because i doubt they have the excess funds to do so. Or at least that's what i hope to believe.

Family members have already offered to help us out during this time, which i am thankful for. I trust my doctor and her staff faithfully. I know that they will do anything and everything in their power to let me have a speedy and safe recovery from this.

Hopefully this will make me feel loads better than what i have been feeling, especially this past year. Also, i'm hoping this will finally prove to SSI that i am in dire need of being accepted. I still haven't even heard back from them, i wonder what is taking so long.......

I'm going to hope that we can find a way to get Skylair to stay the night at Donalds Folks during this time. I really don't know how i am going to be able to handle him and Isabella after the surgery, with or without help. I think i may be too much stress. Stress is something you want to try to eliminate before coming home from a surgery like this.  As for Isabella i have a feeling that this is going to be the last month that i will be able to continue nursing her. I'm very paranoid about continued nursing once i'm home from the hospital because of where the surgical incisions will be. I'm very scared that if i do nurse her that she will attempt to touch them, or even worse pull at them out of curiosity......I don't want to wean her, but i think i may be time just because of my deteriorating health. :(..........

So that's the news on me about dying and whatnot......(okay not dying exactly.....more like saving a dying organ.....but still whatever)......Any questions?....perhaps i should look some stuff up and through in some diagrams?.....let me know, i'll comment them if wanted.

A Break?...A Break from What, exactly?

is what i always hear from people when i state that i want some time to myself. Can people really be that oblivious to how much work it is to be a SAHM? No i don't just sit on my ass watching Tyra all day!! (Although it is sometimes on in the background, i'm not gonna lie.) Sure i bet there are some SAHM that don't do anything, and they are more Glorified Babysitters than anything, but that doesn't represent EVERY ONE of us.

I was listening to the radio the other day and one of the DJs brought up SAHM and another DJ piped in saying that they don't do anything and that they basically spend the day eating Bon-Bons ( which i haven't seen in stores for a really long time anyways. if you know where to find them; let me know!) Anyways, they started saying that SAHM moms are just moms that are too lazy to go out and get a job. Give Me A Break!!! (this was while i listened to RAD on 98Rock) 

This stigma that SAHM don't do anything and that they're just bottom feeding off of their husbands while they sit on their ass at home, is just ridiculous. I DON'T work, in fact i CAN'T work anymore; doctors orders. So i have no choice BUT to be a SAHM. And you know what? i LOVE my kids to death, but i remember when i used to Work and go to School when my Son was younger (9wks-2yrs) and i kind of miss it. My time at School and Work was like my ME time. Something i don't get at all now that i am a SAHM with 2 children under 5. My son does go to Pre-School Monday-Friday for 4 hrs a day, but that is because he desperately wanted to; and it's been fairly good for him, he has learned SO much this past year since we enrolled him, and it's good for him to have interaction with children his own age. I was starting to feel bad for him that the only kids he played with were his younger cousin Jadelynn and his baby sister. I would love to be able to go back to work, but the doctors have said no. School? Yes. Work? No. So we do what we can.

As a SAHM i get to hear all the lovely crap about how i am just lazy and i don't want to work, and of course; this is coming from people that don't know me or my family. If i could work i would. Hell i've been trying to go back to school part-time even for the past 2 years almost be health reasons keep popping up and pro-longing my return. I am in no way;shape or form a lazy ass money grubber wife. I hate that this stupid stigma even exists. It wasn't too long ago that women COULDN'T  go to work or be anything BUT a SAHM/Housewife. What do you have to say about that, they were all lazy and un worthy back then too?

Another thing that gets me about the ideology of being a SAHM is that we're second class. That being a SAHM is ' Taking the Easy Road'. Whomever says that has obviously never been with children for long periods of time. Being a mother is very stressful, time consuming and a LOT of work. Nevertheless, it is a very rewarding experience. You get to watch your children grow and learn right in front of your eyes every single day. That's gratification you will never get at any other type of job. Knowing that you are doing everything in your power to raise your child and teach them. This is not saying that Working Mothers don't have to deal with the same things that SAHM do. In most cases they have to do the same thing a SAHM does, PLUS go out to a job every single day of the week.

Why does society need to be so condescending towards us? Make us feel like we are not truly contributing to society. Because somebody has to raise children, and if it's possible; who best but the parents? I would hate to be one of those parents that throws their child in somebody else' care all day long, IF  they don't HAVE to. I feel that society should just leave the SAHM or even SAHF alone and focus their attention on the people that really need watching. Embrace and Encourage the parents of society doing the right thing and leave them alone if it's something you don't agree with. If it's not detrimental, what's the point?

All i am saying is that all this negative talk towards Moms should stop. I understand the negative talk if their is justification behind it, i.e.; Abuse or Neglect, but shouldn't we be empowering women to do the best for their families and not what society deems appropriate at this given time. Stuff like this really makes me dislike being an American. What is wrong with being a SAHM/F and an Attachment Parent? Nothing, if it's what works. Then it is what works. We are NOT lazy, greedy or whatever rude statement you want to make about us! In fact, being a SAHM/F can cause Burnout and even Depression. All that we ask for is to stop the Negativity and Embrace what we've embraced. Being the best we can for our children and doing the best that we can for them. That's all any True Mother wants for her child.

Arrrrgh, WTH?!

        I initially posted this the other day (3/9/10) on my Family Blog and decided to add it to this blog as well.

       In 2 weeks i have my Cardiac Catheter i've been trying to get everything with the kids and Donald situated in advance. Anywho, i called the nurse this morning asking if Isabella would be able to stay with me after post-op because of us still nursing and they said no. They tried to tell me to just pump and bf her that way. I tried to explain that i can't pump; and i never have been able to, and they were just basically too bad. That Donald will have to take care of her bc i will not be allowed, Plain as that. WHAT THE HELL!? I don't even know what to do right now. I've talked to LLLinc and they're told me hwo i need to talk to ect, and even the nurse at the hospital said to contact LLLinc and WIC. But really, what are they going to be able to do? This is ridiculous. I know that i'm being treated unfairly and mainly because she's not a teeny tiny infant and she is now technically a toddler they don't want to be bothered by it. But how difficult would it be for them to help me out?

          I go to WIC in a couple days to attempt to pump again for the up-teenth-billionth time! They said theyre going to hook me up with one that i can take home and see if i can pump enough for 2 day feedings and about 4 night feedings. Hopefully this will work. I've never used the Medela Brand pump before and it's supposed to be the best. I do hope i can get some out, at least that way Bella can just drink from the cup if she really wanted milk. I know it's not me, but it's all i can do. :(.....

         This really irks me though. I wonder if this one day is going to stop Isabella from EBF....part of me wouldn't mind that; but another part of me doesn't want that to happen yet. I know i need to worry more about my health and not what she wants. But i don't want to just deny her of me. It just seems wrong to me now. I have noticed more so with Isabella than with Skylair i have became an AP. And it doesn't bother me. It seems to bother other people at times; but eh, what does that matter, right? As long as me and my family are content with our AP who care what others have to say.

        I just don't understand why the hospital is so gung-ho about denying my request. It just seems wrong. I honestly don't think it has anything to do with a medicinal issue. It's all about Liability. And that is just plain sad.

        I hope to science (yes, i'm atheist. so what.) that i can actually get enough milk pumped out this week with the help from WIC. Bc Izzy needs her mommy milk. I've never ever had any luck with pumping before; it's been a total nightmare!!!! Maybe it has to do with my technique. Or maybe the brand of pump. I mean; how effective can an Even-flo; a formula company, breast pump really be? Not too effective in my experiences with my two children.......I've talked to Lactation Consultant after Lactation Consultant, and to no avail they say i should be able to pump. So; why can't i?.........

       Hopefully this surgery runs smoothly; i don't see why it wouldn't; and Isabella is fine and content during that time as well......because if she's not, how in the world do they expect me to make a full recovery. Anybody have any insight they'd like to enlighten me with?

As Time Goes By...

I've come to realize who my real friends are and what it is that i truly need and don't need in my life. And Drama is definitely one of the things that i don't need. I love that i have been able to cut out the negative people in my life over the past few years, and just keep the close drama-free friends in my circle. It's been somewhat awkward at certain instances but rather pleasant at others. I know that it sounds like i am just rambling on, but whatever.

I have also come to realize how to properly organize my time in life and to give attention where and when needed. But i have also come to learn throughout the more recent years of Mother Hood that in order to be a good Mother and Wife i have to be secure with myself, have time to myself; because a stressed out Mommy or Wife leads a stressed out household. This past year has been a very eye-opening year, initially with Donald and the loss of his job right during the impending time before Isabellas' birth. His unemployment lasted all the way until she was 5 mons old!! It was a hectic, trying time for us as a family but still we persevered.

I Love being a Mom, i think i never realized how much of a full-time job it is until i actually became one. Right now that is all i do and sometimes i truly do want a vacation. I think it's because when Skylair was Isabellas' age i was working and everything and even when he was an infant i was going to school and just doing so much more. I felt like i had a life outside of being a mother. Now since i've had Isabella i haven't done either. I've strictly been a Stay-at-home mom (SAHM) which is nice because i just have to take care of the house hold and not a million other things, but on the other side i liked working and going to school, it gave me time with other people outside of my family.

You know, it kind of feels odd that it is now 2010 and that my Little Boy will be 4 years old in just 4 months, and that my Little Girl is already 1 Year Old. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. Sometimes i can still remember the most random things from high school or growing up as if it was yesterday. It's kind of sad. haha.

I have come to learn that i do need a break as well. I don't get that too often and i totally miss the times i had to be able to go out and see friends without always having to bring the kid/s along. With Skylair since i went back to school and work when he was young he was used to going over to grandmas house on the weekends because of the time i got out of work or class was so late and that gave me the peace and quiet down time that i truly believe EVERY MOTHER NEEDS.  Now with Isabella it has been the exact opposite, and it has even turned Skylair into a once Super Independent little boy into quiet a Separation Anxiety King. And due to his separation anxiety Donald and i haven't had a single date night since JUNE!! At least with Isabella being home with us it was easier to ring her along to diner and just have her sleep, unlike Skylair where he's so smart and curious he doesn't even let us talk to EACH OTHER half the time.

I would LOVE, and i mean absolutely LOVE to have a date night/ 18 hr period just where it's Donald and Me time. Without the kids. Is that too much to ask? I truly believe that has been part of what's fueled my somewhat depression this year. I believe that if i get out and go back to school, and maybe get some time Alone with my Husband and with friends then it will go away. I had it slightly when Skylair was an itty bitty infant, but i feel like it's stronger and deeper this time around. I don't really feel that it ties into Post-Partum Depression per-se, but it could've definitely stemmed from that.

Does ANYBODY have ANY advice for me? i have gone through the parenting site and mommy connection sites for what feels like a bajillion times and to no avail i don't know what to do. And that's mainly stemming from my childrens' Separation Anxiety Issues. I know it'll be hard for Donald and i to get a date night anytime soon because of his new job, but quiet mommy time with the kids safely at grandmas would be GREAT!

Arrrgh.....sucky

So this hella sucks i think. I totally was ready to go back to school this comming up term, i only have like 5 classes left to take to graduate (including PE) and since they closed down the infant center at the day care on campus and that head start wont accept anybody under 18 mons i was planning on taking a saturday class and an online class next month. well come to find out they had open enrollment for priority 1 students on the 30th of November. And i can't even register untill this comming up tuesday and guess what?! OF course the 2 classes that i wanna take are completely closed!! And they're not even classes associated together, a Photo class and History! BLAH!  So it looks like i'm not going back to school any time soon.....maybe this summer? i dunno. And to top it off the county still hasn't fixed our file and it has been 30 days, Gawd today has been a super sucky day. and i'm really irritated and pissed the hell off.